Difficult Workplace Conversations Need More Than Courage
- Written by: Carla Rogers, Co-Director of Evolve Communities
Most workplace leaders know the feeling. A difficult conversation is coming, and suddenly almost any other task looks more appealing. Answering emails. Reworking a report. Even cleaning out the office fridge!
It’s human to avoid discomfort. But in healthy, inclusive workplaces, difficult conversations are unavoidable. We don’t just need to have them; we need the skills to have them well.
In our work at Evolve Communities, we see this often. People want to do the right thing, but they can freeze when a conversation feels likely to create tension. This is why Aunty Munya Andrews and I developed our approach: Reflect, Relate and Reconcile.
At its heart, our approach is a mutual learning opportunity. We may each have information, knowledge or experience the other does not. We are both likely carrying assumptions we haven’t yet tested. The goal is not always agreement. Often, just understanding each other a little better is enough to change the conversation.
This matters because difficult workplace conversations often go wrong before they have really begun. Someone reacts quickly, assumes intent, feels blamed or shamed, or shuts down. Our approach gives people a way to slow that moment down.
The first step is Reflect. This means pausing to identify the issue before responding. Often, the ‘issue’ is simply that we have different views, experiences or information. Reflecting helps us move out of automatic judgement. It gives us time to regulate, respond less emotionally, and become more open to what is actually happening and what may help.
The second step is Relate. This does not mean agreeing with a harmful comment or excusing racism. It means approaching the moment with compassionate curiosity. To put yourself in another person’s shoes, you will need to make some guesses. But there is a big difference between acting on an untested negative assumption and using curiosity to increase understanding.
The third step is Reconcile. This is about finding a respectful way forward together. It might sound like: “I see this differently. Would you be open to hearing why?” That one question can change the tone of a conversation. It asks permission, reduces defensiveness and keeps learning possible.
If the person says yes, you can share a story, experience or perspective. If they say no, you may need to leave it there for now. Not every conversation can or should be forced. Part of good leadership is knowing when to speak, when to listen and when to pause.
In our programs, our approach is not taught as theory. We practise it through real workplace scenarios across every competency we teach, including cultural safety, interrupting racism and responding to feedback. Participants work through what they would actually say and do in difficult moments. The more people practise R3 in ordinary moments, the easier it becomes to use when the stakes are higher.
For leaders, the value of our approach is that it gives teams shared language before conflict escalates. It helps people slow down, test assumptions and stay open to learning, even when the conversation feels uncomfortable.
Difficult conversations may never be entirely comfortable. But inclusive workplaces are not built by avoiding discomfort. They are built by leaders willing to pause, test their assumptions and try another way.
