When Holiday Small Talk Hurts Inclusion at Work
Dr. Tatiana Andreeva, Associate Professor in Management and Organisational Behaviour, Maynooth University, Ireland, tatiana.andreeva@mu.ie
Dr. Shea Fan, Associate Professor in Human Resource Management, Deakin University, Australia, shea.fan@deakin.edu.au
Dr. Clarice Santos, Senior Lecturer in Transdisciplinary Practice & Leadership & Workforce Management, Middlesex University, UK, c.santos@mdx.ac.uk
Prof. Anne-Wil Harzing, Emerita Professor in International Management, Middlesex University, UK, anne@harzing.com
It’s that time of the year again! Decorations are up, Christmas songs are on repeat, and people get chatty at the coffee machine, at the office party or elsewhere about their upcoming plans. Against this backdrop, it’s common to hear the question “are you going home for Christmas?”
It’s meant as a well-intentioned conversation starter, but our experience is that it can sometimes lead to unintended harm. Despite our best intentions to put someone at ease, this seemingly innocent question may cause discomfort for those for whom “home” is a complex and layered concept. Without realising it, we might be contributing to a sense of exclusion.
The unspoken assumptions
The reasons why "Are you going home for Christmas?" may hurt lie, in the implicit assumptions behind it. Some of these include the idea that “here” is not what the other person considers “home”, that they do not belong “here”, that travelling “home” is straightforward or safe for them, or that they have family waiting there. These assumptions do not land equally on everyone. They intersect with migration status, race, class, gender, family structure, and histories of displacement. What sounds like neutral curiosity to some may suggest exclusion to others. When we ask, “are you going home for Christmas?” as a conversation starter, these hurtful messages are not what we mean to convey, but they can still be perceived this way by others.
The point is not that this question can never be asked, but that we pause to reflect on whether, in this moment and relationship, it is likely to help us connect with our colleagues or, on the contrary, produce discomfort and even alienation.
For example, when this question is directed at someone you know well, and you know what place they call “home”, it can open space for genuine engagement and connection. But when you do not know the person well enough, we recommend you reconsider. More often than not, they will answer politely - as social norms demand - while managing their discomfort privately, leaving an invisible disconnect behind.
Ironically, in our experience, this question is frequently asked precisely in the situations when it is best avoided: when we do not know the other person well. This may be because it seems to be a natural conversation starter with a stranger, especially if they have an unusual accent, a non-local name, or look different from “locals”. Yet none of these necessarily mean “here” is not what they call “home”.
The power of small adjustments
So, if this question can potentially hurt, what could be a better alternative for building a more inclusive workplaces and communities? We suggest you start by reflecting on why you want to ask it. What is it that you really want to know? If this question is meant simply as a conversation starter or a small-talk “filler”, you might be better off talking about something that you and your colleague already share– anything from the recent project at work to the weather.
If you are interested in getting to know your colleague better or to learn about their holiday plans, consider the following alternatives:
-
“Any travel plans for the holidays?” It is the closest substitute for “are you going home for Christmas?” but avoids assumptions about where someone’s “home” is.
-
“What are you looking forward to the most during the holidays?” Everyone can answer, whether it is to travel, stay with family, or simply rest and spend a few days without work emails.
-
“What are your holiday plans?” This open question allows people to decide how much or how little they want to share and makes "no special plans" an entirely comfortable response.
All of these questions foster conversation without carrying assumptions about someone’s “home”, family circumstances, mobility or cultural traditions.
Similar implicit assumptions are embedded in several other questions commonly used as conversation starters. For example, “How often are you going home?", “Are you going home this summer?”, “Where are you from?” and “Where does your accent come from?” Each of these can quietly position some people as permanent outsiders, even when no harm is intended.
Knowing when not to ask these questions – and, importantly, what to ask instead – can help you create a more inclusive workspace this festive season. While the issue may appear minor, small daily conversations accumulate. They shape who feels at ease, who feels visible and included, and who may quietly question their sense of belonging.
So, if you are interested in genuine connections with colleagues and acquaintances, it is worth pausing for a split second before asking someone if they are going home for the holidays. Changing the wording of a small talk question may not seem like such a big deal, but it is a conscious choice not to add, however unintentionally, to the alienation of those for whom “home” is not so simple.
