Mon Jun 9

What can you do if you don’t like your child’s friends?

Written by Rachael Murrihy, Director, The Kidman Centre, Faculty of Science, University of Technology Sydney

Many parents will be familiar with this situation: your child has a good or even best friend, but you don’t like them.

Perhaps the friend is bossy, has poor manners or jumps on your furniture. Maybe you don’t like the way your child behaves when they are with this friend.

For older children, your dislike might relate to the friend’s language, attitude towards school, or risk-taking behaviours. Maybe the friend is hot and cold and elicits more drama than Mean Girls ^[1].

What can parents do?

You will have a protective instinct

If you see your child being treated poorly, this can ignite a protective instinct in parents ^[3] that manifests in a bodily “fight or flight ^[4]” response.

This provides a rush of adrenaline, which can spur parents to take actions such as criticising the friend or even attempting to ban the friendship.

However, this approach can do more harm than good, particularly for adolescents who are hardwired to push back ^[5] on their parents.

What can you do for younger kids?

With younger children, clear boundaries can be set at the outset of a playdate. For example, “my bedroom is off limits for playing” or “we don’t jump on the couch”.

If kids are using mean or rude language around each other, you can say “we don’t use that word in this house, be kind to each other”.

Playdates can be moved outside, which can be particularly helpful if a child shows loud, destructive or rude behaviour. And if you can help it, organise fewer plays with that child.

But parents may also want to reflect on why this child rubs them the wrong way. Is the reaction warranted, or does it comes from your own biases and opinions? Your child’s friends do not have to be the friends you would choose.

Change your approach for older kids

To become successful adults, teens need to move through developmental milestones ^[6] of becoming autonomous and self-reliant. Intervening in their friendships interferes with this vital process of developing independence and identity, which ultimately disempowers them.

In the 1960s, US psychologist Diana Baumrind published famous research on parenting ^[7]. She found an authoritarian style – where the parent exerts complete control and does not listen to the child’s needs – results in a child with less confidence and independence than one brought up in a household that has rules but is also responsive to their needs.

Adopting an authoritarian approach to friends or potential partners also risks the “Romeo and Juliet ^[8]” effect, whereby disapproval makes the child more attracted to that person.

So, for teenagers and their friends, the approach should be more nuanced. The primary goal is to encourage the child to see the parent as a person to come to when they have problems. If parents are tempted to be critical, they could ask themself: is it in the best interests of your child to be controlled?

It is important to let children make mistakes so they can learn from them. Learning about what they do and don’t want in relationships ^[9] is a crucial life skill.

How can you talk about friendship?

Fostering an open dialogue about friends and relationships can allow parents to have influence in a subtle and developmentally appropriate way.

For younger children, you could use a quiet moment to ask questions like “what can you say to Charlotte if you don’t want to play her game anymore?” or “what’s a good way to deal with it if she is being too bossy?”

For older children, ideally wait until your teen wants to connect, rather than launching into questions. Ask gentle, non-judgmental questions about their friendship, like “what do you like to do together?” or “tell me about what you have in common”.

If they seem upset or uncomfortable in some way, resist the urge to dismiss ^[11] or solve the problem. Simply listening is the key to helping the child work it out, so they feel supported but not judged.

And remember, not all friendships last ^[12]. As children move through school and grow, most will naturally make new friends and move on from old ones.

Clearly, one exception to adopting a teen-led approach is when safety is at risk. If they are being bullied or abused in any form – even if the child is opposed – parents should step in and speak to the school or other relevant authorities.