The Power Of An Uncomfortable Love

How challenging relationships can help us grow.

Never have we lived in a time where relationships have been more idealised, filtered, and disposable. Movies show partners holding us in our darkest moments, being intuitive to our every need and soothing every insecurity, and when they don’t, our social media algorithm ‘magically’ comes along to make us question whether it’s time to replace them with someone supposedly better. But what about if, in reality, relationships aren’t as perfect as we’re led to believe? What if the person who challenges our patterns is the one we need to grow and be a better version of ourselves? Of course, when there is abusive behaviour, irreconcilable differences or no mutual commitment, walking away is the right decision. Yet for some, walking away can become a repeating pattern, where familiar challenges and perceived ‘imperfections’ in the other person continually resurface in every relationship - just wearing a different face. Maybe the emotional discomfort has been misread as incompatibility, unmet communication expectations as indifference, or personal unresolved wounds blamed on our partner’s shortcomings.

The truth is however, we are all imperfectly perfect humans who come with our own set of past experiences and influences that shape our self-awareness and how we love in a relationship. So the idea of two people consistently being in perfect harmony on all levels, is unlikely to exist. This raises the uncomfortable but necessary discussion about whether we are ending relationships because of genuine incompatibility, or whether we have lost the skill, and sometimes the will, to work through difficult moments and endure that which we need to grow.

Understanding What Commitment Is

Relationships can be messy to navigate, as no two people are alike. Some people use what society deems the right words and soft actions, others rely on honest words and practical actions. Neither is wrong, they are simply different, and what works for a couple can only be discovered through honest communication, a willingness to understand one another, and the recognition that heavy conversations are opportunities for closer connection and changed behaviour - not personal attacks. Without this, many couples can remain stuck in recurring patterns until life-lessons are learnt, or until such time one partner walks away feeling unheard, unseen or de-valued. This is a clear sign that the other is either unable or unwilling to meet them where they are. After all, love is a choice to consider the other - not just feel for the other - and it takes both people being ‘committed to being committed’ for it to work. Not in the stereotypical sense of marriage, moving in, or achieving couple goals, but as a commitment to understanding each other’s deepest intricacies and to work through life as each others witness in unconditional love and safety. Non-judgemental communication together and accepting each others vulnerabilities, creates this emotional safety, and couples who succeed, often share a mutual connection deeper than logic, chemistry or romance. They remain steadfast - not because they feel obligated to ‘save the relationship’ or ‘do it for the kids’, but because their hearts genuinely want to be there, through the good and hard parts. These relationships build resilience, for although they may not always nurture us in the ways we expect, they support us in the ways we need, whether that be intentionally or unintentionally.

Antonia Ruhl, a globally acclaimed, multiple award-winning healer, couples counsellor and founder of Amazon Fertility Clinic, explains:

“Emotional safety is a fundamental element of any relationship, but growth is just as important. I believe that the people who activate your wounds are not sent to harm you, they are sent to awaken you and help you become a stronger and more conscious version of yourself. When there is a soul contract between two people, it is because something needs to be seen, understood, and accepted in the other.”

The Mirror We Desperately Need

We all carry layers of inherited beliefs, past conditioning and relationship scars. Most of us push these into the background, hoping that love will heal them or make them irrelevant, until such time someone comes along and brings every one of theses hidden emotions to the surface. They raise their voice and self-worth wounds flare, or something small is forgotten and our insecurities awaken. They may become preoccupied with other things, and the inner child cries out, “They don’t care! I’m not safe!” It can feel like they’re the problem, but sometimes they’re simply a reflection of what we may need to work on.

This doesn’t mean the other person doesn’t have flaws. What it does mean however, is that something within the dynamic of the two people is illuminating that which wants to be recognised or finally healed.

These types of partnerships ask us to self-regulate and take accountability for our own insecurities rather than seek constant reassurance from our partners. They also require us to identify whether we are reacting to our present reality or from emotional memory. The more this is recognised and practised, the more potential the relationship has to make us grounded and resilient. The challenge however, is that while we often say we want personal growth, we naturally resist every discomfort we need in order for this growth to happen.

Antonia Ruhl describes this beautifully:

“A partnership should bring greater clarity to the soul, and clarity comes through change, discomfort, and the willingness to see the parts of ourselves we’ve tried for years to avoid. Sometimes, when a partner doesn’t show up in the way you believe they should, you are forced to discover a strength you never believed you had.”

The Silent Destroyer of Relationships

When we cling to the partner we imagine, we stop seeing the partner we have. We become so focused on who they should be that we overlook who they already are which is often more realistic and valuable than the fantasy we hold in our minds. It is ‘expectation’ that then becomes the silent destroyer of relationships. A partner can show up differently than imagined, but still do it meaningfully. We just need to recognise that much of what we expect from love is learned over time, from various influences and this is not always going to match what presents to us. But if we filter out the noise, calm the mind, reconnect with our heart, and remember why we fell in love with the other person in the first place, we can find a powerful starting point to discovering whether there is truly an irreconcilable issue, or whether the expectation we hold about the other person is the problem.

Why We Give Up Easily

For some, dating has been turned into a catalogue of filtered faces and bios, selecting partners like products and turning them over because they’re ‘not the right fit’ for our curated lives. Should they say or do something wrong, we then have easy options to leave, replace or block them like they never existed. Yet dissatisfaction continues to rise. Divorce rates for first marriages remain high at roughly 33%, while second marriages fail at an even higher rate of approximately 45% within the first decade¹. Unless we bring consciousness into our relationships, we tend to repeat old patterns with new people, convincing ourselves it’s easier to walk away than to sit in the uncomfortable middle and intentionally rebuild connection after the ‘spark has died’. But sometimes the ‘spark’ is buried under stress, resentment, past conditioning or neglect, and will inevitably fizzle if both partners do not tend to it. However an intentional redirection of time and effort can sometimes help the warmth return, not because the relationship is perfect, or because the couple are ‘meant to be’ but because both people are willing to make the effort to reconnect and reset.

An Overlooked Ingredient of Lasting Love

Most relationships thrive on attraction, shared values, and intellectual connection. While these things are important, there is one other overlooked ingredient to lasting love that helps carry us through life’s long-term changes - fascination. This is a genuine, soul-level curiosity about how our partner thinks, feels, sees the world and moves through it. When there is a general interest in them as a person, the way they operate, and who they are at the core, the relationship becomes a lifelong conversation that continually unfolds. Sometimes there is harmony and sometimes not, however being curious and maintaining that fascination with the other can help to keep both people curious, long after the honeymoon phase passes.

Love is not overly complicated, nor should it require a tick-the-box criteria. It simply asks us to loosen the resistance to the expectations and ideals that condition us and to have a realistic understanding of what’s in front of us. We can then decide whether we are ‘committed to being committed’ to a shared path of growth and love with the special person we are choosing. When it is all approached with presence, communication and understanding, the relationship will then have the potential to enhance our lives and grow us in ways that comfort and chemistry alone never could.

The author

Sandra Lo Giudice is a Melbourne-based writer and creative with a professional and academic background in business and marketing. She is currently focused on exploring and studying complementary therapies, including CBT counselling, and sharing her nature-based wisdom through storytelling which draws on her deep personal connection to nature.

• Next